Healing in progress...
Ribhya Dhirasaria
Author
Parents are a child's support system and their world revolves around them. When they get divorced, their world tilts on its axis....
???Children ought not to be victims of the choices adults make for them,??? said Wade Horn (U.S. Assistant Secretary for Children and Families under President George W. Bush).
Parents are a child's support system and their world revolves around them. When they get divorced, their world tilts on its axis. The parents start leading completely different lives that often seem to be polar opposites. This creates confusion and distress for them. They start to question whatever they know about life. Who am I? Where do I belong? Do my parents love me? Am I to blame? Often, they have no one to answer these questions. In this article, we will try to help those who try to answer these questions for these children. We will also talk about the effect of divorce on children and how the transition can be made easier for them.
How does it affect them?
In her book Between Two Worlds: The Inner lives of Children of Divorce Elizabeth Marquardt writes, ???Our study showed that children of divorce, even those who appear to be fine and successful later in life, are much more likely than their peers from intact families to share profound and moving stories of confusion, isolation, and suffering. Most people do not expect children to be deeply absorbed by their parents??? needs and vulnerabilities. But children of divorce often say we were. Most people do not expect children to confront complex moral questions early in life. But as children of divorce, we routinely did. Most do not expect children to feel like outsiders in their homes. But we often felt that way. Most do not expect children to keep secrets for their parents. But we often did.???(Marquardt,2005)
Once the label of divorce is put, the child struggles to find acceptance outside his/her family. This is mainly because of the narrow view of society regarding this topic. Empirical evidence suggests that children from separated homes have lesser educational prospects compared to children from intact homes. This adversely affects the psychological balance of a child and can also have a long-lasting effect.
Researchers have found that parental separation causes many problems for a child or adolescent. They experience abandonment issues, adjustment problems, depressive moods, etc. They start to wonder what went wrong and even blame themselves for the separation. The children begin to act out and display more delinquency, impulsive behaviour, conduct disorders, etc. as compared to children whose parents are together. They can also become emotionally closed off or develop trust issues if they think that one of their parents has abandoned them.
Children who experience divorce during childhood find it difficult to form and maintain relationships throughout their life. Studies have shown that children from divorced homes have a higher divorce rate compared to children without divorced parents.
Adolescents with divorced parents are more prone to engage in risky behaviour, such as substance abuse and early sexual activity. In the United States, adolescents with divorced parents start drinking alcohol and using drugs earlier than their acquaintance.
Adolescents whose parents divorced when they were 5 years old or younger were at exceptionally high risk for becoming sexually active before the age of 16, according to a study published in 2010. A correlation has been found between separation from fathers and a higher number of sexual parents during adolescence.
What can we do?
Staying together just for the sake of the child is not a solution. Research has found that a conflicted home where people are constantly fighting and not getting along adversely affects the mental health of a child. They can seriously get affected and develop many mental disorders which stay with them throughout life. This can disrupt their emotional and psychological well-being as well. It is the couple???s discretion to take the step they deem appropriate in this matter. If they decide to end it and go their separate ways, steps can be taken to make this transition easier for the child. According to new research, the three biggest factors that affect the children???s well-being during and after the process can be controlled by the parents: the degree and duration of hostile conflict, the quality of parenting provided over time, and the quality of the parent-child relationship. (Pedro-Carroll, 2020) Some of these steps are given below.
Try to keep the children away from the negative side of the entire process. Ensure that despite personal differences, the parents are always there for the child. Try to co-parent peacefully and be there for the child as a single unit keeping your differences aside. Intense conflict between parents has been proven to increase the distress level in the child. It causes behavioural problems. If you struggle to co-parent, try and seek professional help.
Assure them that the separation is not their fault. Tell them that it wasn???t due to their actions that their parents are not living together anymore. Tell them that despite whatever happens between the spouses, they love the child. This helps prevent abandonment issues and a sense of guilt in the child.
Do not ask the child to choose between both his parents. They should not be told to convey messages from one to the other. If they feel as if they are caught in the middle, they are more likely to experience depression and anxiety disorders.
Pay close attention to the child and implement effective discipline when they try and act out. Studies show that if close attention is paid to the child, they are less likely to indulge in substance abuse and perform badly in academics. If you monitor the child closely, you can stop them when they start to act out.
Maintain proper communication with the child, shower him with parental love and warmth. Be there for them when they need you. Making your child feel secure, loved, wanted, and understood can reduce the risk of mental health problems in the future.
Equip the child with various coping mechanisms that they can use when they are finding it difficult to deal with or adapt to the changes. Tell them to play sports, sing, dance, call a family member, cuddle with a pet, read a book etc. They can also think of a calm and happy place, count to 10 with their eyes closed or sit amidst nature when they are feeling overwhelmed.
If you are facing difficulties, there are various workshops and classes you can attend to learn how to help your child deal with the separation better and help him cope. You can also enrol them in individual counselling. You can also opt to go for family counselling together. A professional is equipped with the tools and knowledge to help everyone understand and cope with the situation.
References
Gunjan. (n.d.). Impact Of Divorce On Children. Legal Services India. Retrieved March 12, 2022, from https://www.legalserviceindia.com/legal/article-2132-impact-of-divorce-on-children.html
JKI Marketing manager. (2021, March 5). Effects of Divorce on Children???s Mental Health. Gen Psych. Retrieved March 12, 2022, from https://www.genpsych.com/post/effects-of-divorce-on-children-s-mental-health#:%7E:text=Empirical%20and%20academic%20evidence%20has,conduct%20and%20substance%20use%20problems).
Marquardt, E. (2005). Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. Crown Publishing Group/Random House.
Morin, A. (2021, February 22). The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children. Verywell Family. Retrieved March 12, 2022, from https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170
Pedro-Carroll, J., PhD (2020, November 1). How Parents Can Help Children Cope With Separation/Divorce. Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development. Retrieved March 19, 2022, from https://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-cope-separationdivorce
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